The 100 Greatest Standups of All-Time

“I’m so sick of arming the world, then sending troops over to destroy the fucking arms, you know what I mean? We keep arming these little countries, then we go and blow the shit out of them. We’re like the bullies of the world, y’know. We’re like Jack Palance in the movie Shane, throwing the pistol at the sheepherder’s feet.

“Pick it up.”

“I don’t wanna pick it up, Mister, you’ll shoot me.”

“Pick up the gun.”

“Mister, I don’t want no trouble. I just came downtown here to get some hard rock candy for my kids, some gingham for my wife. I don’t even know what gingham is, but she goes through about ten rolls a week of that stuff. I ain’t looking for no trouble, Mister.”

“Pick up the gun.”

(He picks it up. Three shots ring out.)

“You all saw him – he had a gun.”

Bill Hicks

Excerpted from “Bill Hicks Changed My Life“.

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2 Responses to The 100 Greatest Standups of All-Time

  1. Listening to Bill Hicks recordings is one of life’s greatest joys.

  2. Diane says:

    I’m sorry I missed him while he was here. I only discovered his work a few months ago.

    Happened upon the following by chance this morning. Seems to belong here:

    “The world is like a ride in an amusement park.
    And when you choose to go on it,
    you think it’s real because
    that’s how powerful our minds are.
    And the ride goes up and down
    and round and round.
    It has thrills and chills
    and it’s very brightly coloured
    and it’s very loud and it’s fun,
    for a while.
    Some people have been on the ride for a long time
    and they begin to question, is this real, or is this just a ride?
    And other people have remembered,
    and they come back to us, they say,
    “Hey – don’t worry, don’t be afraid, ever,
    because, this is just a ride…”
    And we…
    kill those people.

    “We have a lot invested in this ride.
    Shut him up. Look at my furrows of worry.
    Look at my big bank account and my family.
    This just has to be real.”
    Just a ride.
    But we always kill those good guys
    who try and tell us that,
    you ever notice that?
    And let the demons run amok.
    But it doesn’t matter because: It’s just a ride.
    And we can change it anytime we want.
    It’s only a choice.
    No effort,
    no work,
    no job,
    no savings and money.
    A choice, right now,
    between fear and love.
    The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors,
    buy guns, close yourself off.
    The eyes of love, instead, see all of us as one.
    Here’s what we can do to change the world,
    right now, to a better ride.
    Take all that money that we spend on weapons
    and defences each year
    and instead spend it feeding
    and clothing
    and educating the poor of the world,
    which it would many times over,
    not one human being excluded,
    and we could explore space, together,
    both inner and outer, forever, in peace.
    Thank you very much, you’ve been great.”

    from Bill Hicks’ last gig

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